After my … some might call it a freak-out … I felt such relief. Not only did I still have a job but I had spoken up. I had let other people know that I was not OK. My boss’ reaction – an immediate “What is going on? How can we make it better?” was a weight off my mind.
If it had been Previous Boss, I wouldn’t have considered staying. Honestly, I would have been gone long since. Current Boss – even though I threw him a major curve ball – said we can adjust things and asked me to give him time. We have discussed a couple times about plans to figure out what I want to do. How do I want to do my job. There are more opportunities.
I know I don’t want to be a manager. I have a been a manager technically for a couple years. But my employees were easy – and there were only two. We knew what each others jobs were and there was no strife.
On this project, I have four and they are not so easy. Well, two are but two are really not. And that would be more the norm, right? People are messy. I don’t want to deal with messy and I am not good at it. They are good people, and I like them all – but I don’t want to deal with the mess. Or their objectives, or their career goals, or their compliance things.
Also, I think I don’t want to deal with leading a project technically – I have felt very lacking in ability, in learning, in directing work. I have been winging it til now and it got to be part of the whole which was too much. I know I have gone down the expedient, not the path of correct, on this project. And it makes me feel, lesser for it. My self-esteem should not be tied to a project as a whole … but it has been.
Now, by saying it was too much, by saying i was not OK. I hope I can diversify, and not be the job. The job is not all, I need to separate myself, and do more. Maybe by doing more, I will find a purpose.