I know I need a change – I just don’t like my life right now. I have been in the same place emotionally for a long time – feeling stuck and stagnant. All I do is watch TV, play some video games, read and work. All I have done for a long while. Of course, this feeling is greatly exacerbated by the pandemic and enforced isolation.
Work is super busy – a number of people have left the company. The project I am on is super intense and busy. When working from home – it is also too easy to just keep working through lunch, work through any breaks, work into the evening while doing “one last thing”. Without the social interaction of working near people and no breaks to the day it all just bleeds together. Basically, all stress, all the time.
Today was Labor Day. On Friday, I told myself I would work a couple days during the weekend to catch up on things. I did work on Saturday for about 5 hours and completed a task. I felt really good about that – best I’d felt about something for a long time. But I couldn’t bring myself to do any other work. When I told myself I should do some sprint planning preparation on Monday, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I felt my heart start beating harder and started feeling like I wanted to cry. Partly because I feel like I am behind on everything and won’t ever catch up – more just keeps coming in. And partly because I really don’t want to be the one all this falls on. I am supposed to be coordinating all the things and I don’t know how. I am not a project manager and I don’t want to plan other people’s work. I am not an architect and don’t know how to be one. I feel like I am messing up the project because I am just winging it and badly.
I just got a raise and honestly, don’t care. I don’t like my job anymore. More money doesn’t make me suddenly love it. I feel good sometimes but then others I feel helpless. We’re told to ask for help – no one is alone. But I feel like sometimes when I ask for it – I am brushed off. Then I question myself – maybe this is too easy and I should know, I probably shouldn’t have asked. So I struggle more, and when I have to ask again because I couldn’t figure it out on my own, the question becomes I waited too long, didn’t I? I wasted time – time I could have used to catch up on something else.
These feelings have persisted for awhile. If we weren’t in a pandemic, perhaps things would be different and I wouldn’t feel so trapped. But I would still be on the same project, still be the only person who holds the knowledge on a couple others. Still be a single point of failure.
I just searched – “August 2929 quit my job” – yep a typo but the first result was an article that hits close to home – How To Know It’s Time To Quit Your Job: 8 Warning Signs. I feel a little too seen now. At least 4 are always true and probably the others are true sometimes.
There are so many people involuntarily out of a job – wouldn’t it be the height of stupidity for me to quit my job during this time. So very arrogant to throw away my luck in still having a job.
But I have savings, so I could take a break and even get myself health insurance while breaking. I could take some classes, try to make something on my own. But if I find I need to get another job I believe I am marketable – I am a female programmer, I think I am pretty good at it …. sometimes.