I don't know what I want to be when I grow up

Tag: job

  • Speaking up

    After my … some might call it a freak-out … I felt such relief. Not only did I still have a job but I had spoken up. I had let other people know that I was not OK. My boss’ reaction – an immediate “What is going on? How can we make it better?” was a weight off my mind.

    If it had been Previous Boss, I wouldn’t have considered staying. Honestly, I would have been gone long since. Current Boss – even though I threw him a major curve ball – said we can adjust things and asked me to give him time. We have discussed a couple times about plans to figure out what I want to do. How do I want to do my job. There are more opportunities.

    I know I don’t want to be a manager. I have a been a manager technically for a couple years. But my employees were easy – and there were only two. We knew what each others jobs were and there was no strife.

    On this project, I have four and they are not so easy. Well, two are but two are really not. And that would be more the norm, right? People are messy. I don’t want to deal with messy and I am not good at it. They are good people, and I like them all – but I don’t want to deal with the mess. Or their objectives, or their career goals, or their compliance things.

    Also, I think I don’t want to deal with leading a project technically – I have felt very lacking in ability, in learning, in directing work. I have been winging it til now and it got to be part of the whole which was too much. I know I have gone down the expedient, not the path of correct, on this project. And it makes me feel, lesser for it. My self-esteem should not be tied to a project as a whole … but it has been.

    Now, by saying it was too much, by saying i was not OK. I hope I can diversify, and not be the job. The job is not all, I need to separate myself, and do more. Maybe by doing more, I will find a purpose.

  • I did it… Almost

    Yesterday, I hit my limit. I just couldn’t deal with all the stress any more. I sent a text to my mom “I am going to put in my notice tomorrow”. I cried a little, from stress, from fear. She said they love me and support me. I know my parents probably thought I was being real or ill prepared. Quitting without having a job lined up or any actual plan. It was pretty much a decision of of need to just stop doing what is making me unhappy. ASAP.

    This morning, I had a dentist appointment to get a cavity fixed. Small one, pretty quick fix but still required Novocaine or whatever it is they give you these days. The whole lower right side was all numb and stayed that way for a few hours. Not a big deal but added a little more weight to the day.

    When I got home it was about 10:30am. Which means it was 8:30am PDT, my boss would be starting work soon. Is it time to send The Email?

    Did I want to do this? Could I afford to do it? I have savings, but did I want to dig into them? What are my prospects of getting another job? My thought was to take a few months off, learn new things, then look for a new job. But am I sure??!?!

    I sent the email.

    My boss’ first messages of the day were asking about a project. One of my stresses because it isn’t going well. I knew he hadn’t yet seen The Email. But he had just gotten back from a week of PTO; I knew he was swamped in backlog. So I waited while contemplating if I should tell him to look for my email. I decided not to, it would be weird right?!

    During a one on one with an employee, I finally got the message I was expecting. “I just saw your email. Let’s chat.” I let him know it would be a few minutes as I took a deep breath. Oh crap… This is happening. I’ve done it.

    Logged in to my video chat room and waited. Eventually he was able to join me. Another deep breath. I cried a bit while explaining what I have been feeling. It made me feel good that his eyes were a little red. Of course, that could have been smoke irritation, he is in Bay area but I really think it was emotional response to my pain.

    The upshot is he really doesn’t want to lose me and asked what can we do to change my job. They are going to find some one to step in and be the manager. And I can go back to being an IC (individual contributor). And he asked that I wait to make a final decision, to give him time to adjust and work out those changes.

    So I did it, but then I took it back. The thought of being without a job right now was very scary. I will hold off for now. But I know if it doesn’t get better or if I still am not satisfied after the changes happen, the option is still on the table.

    I can choose to be happy.

  • Feeling anxious today

    I know I need a change – I just don’t like my life right now. I have been in the same place emotionally for a long time – feeling stuck and stagnant. All I do is watch TV, play some video games, read and work. All I have done for a long while. Of course, this feeling is greatly exacerbated by the pandemic and enforced isolation.

    Work is super busy – a number of people have left the company. The project I am on is super intense and busy. When working from home – it is also too easy to just keep working through lunch, work through any breaks, work into the evening while doing “one last thing”. Without the social interaction of working near people and no breaks to the day it all just bleeds together. Basically, all stress, all the time.

    Today was Labor Day. On Friday, I told myself I would work a couple days during the weekend to catch up on things. I did work on Saturday for about 5 hours and completed a task. I felt really good about that – best I’d felt about something for a long time. But I couldn’t bring myself to do any other work. When I told myself I should do some sprint planning preparation on Monday, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

    I felt my heart start beating harder and started feeling like I wanted to cry. Partly because I feel like I am behind on everything and won’t ever catch up – more just keeps coming in. And partly because I really don’t want to be the one all this falls on. I am supposed to be coordinating all the things and I don’t know how. I am not a project manager and I don’t want to plan other people’s work. I am not an architect and don’t know how to be one. I feel like I am messing up the project because I am just winging it and badly.

    I just got a raise and honestly, don’t care. I don’t like my job anymore. More money doesn’t make me suddenly love it. I feel good sometimes but then others I feel helpless. We’re told to ask for help – no one is alone. But I feel like sometimes when I ask for it – I am brushed off. Then I question myself – maybe this is too easy and I should know, I probably shouldn’t have asked. So I struggle more, and when I have to ask again because I couldn’t figure it out on my own, the question becomes I waited too long, didn’t I? I wasted time – time I could have used to catch up on something else.

    These feelings have persisted for awhile. If we weren’t in a pandemic, perhaps things would be different and I wouldn’t feel so trapped. But I would still be on the same project, still be the only person who holds the knowledge on a couple others. Still be a single point of failure.

    I just searched – “August 2929 quit my job” – yep a typo but the first result was an article that hits close to home – How To Know It’s Time To Quit Your Job: 8 Warning Signs. I feel a little too seen now. At least 4 are always true and probably the others are true sometimes.

    There are so many people involuntarily out of a job – wouldn’t it be the height of stupidity for me to quit my job during this time. So very arrogant to throw away my luck in still having a job.

    But I have savings, so I could take a break and even get myself health insurance while breaking. I could take some classes, try to make something on my own. But if I find I need to get another job I believe I am marketable – I am a female programmer, I think I am pretty good at it …. sometimes.

  • Day went from really good to not really good

    This morning was really good. Had a good breakfast (omelet). I got to give good news and had a good start on a task at work. I watched some co-workers give a nice presentation in the company all-hands. And then things went pear-shaped.

    My good start was not so good. I hit road-blocks and just don’t feel like i was making good progress. OK fine that is part of programming, right ? One step forward two steps back, why the heck does THAT work, it shouldn’t work and why doesn’t that work, I thought that would…arghhh?!? A bit frustrating.

    Then a couple issues were discovered in code that is in production – not that anyone will see it because it is reachable only from the mobile app and their code is NOT in production. But I don’t know why that is happening either!! More than a bit frustrating.

    It seems to be a CSS issue (how fun!) but it is in a webview – and I don’t know how to test / check for that. Also, it isn’t my code – but I can’t let my employee flounder – but he doesn’t know what it is either. So we will have to throw ourselves on the mercy of other employees who are more specialized in front end stuff. I only hope right away they say YES I know exactly what needs to happen. A girl can dream, right?

  • A bit of a reprieve

    At work, we’ve had a project that has been on a deadline. However, a couple weeks out – we started to realize we weren’t going to make it. I hated to realize it and I hated to admit it to my boss. The project was just bigger than we thought it would be. We didn’t know that until it was too late because of poor planning up front – which was all on me.

    My boss didn’t get all down on me or the team and we did get an extension – which was very nice. But now have to make sure we finish in the time allotted – no further extension – and that we do better next time.

    The first thing, is to make sure the up front things happen. We have to do better defining everything we can. We are extremely busy and I am not a planner by nature – so this will take some work. I don’t really look forward to it. I just want to code!

    But this is my job right now – so gotta do it, right?

  • Mentoring

    Mentoring can be a powerful thing. Previously, all my “mentoring” opportunities were fairly informal – but mostly with people who have been in the same company. Those can be very useful but they are a bit constrained by their very nature. If you are in the same company – you can’t really tell them all the issues you may be having with coworkers or company policies.

    With a mentor outside of your company, you can be fully engaged and be more honest about your goals or ambitions. It is easier to take advantage of the opportunity as much as possible – be open and admit your deeper concerns. With an outside person, you don’t have to guard your tongue against saying something which could hurt your standing in the company. You wouldn’t want to ask someone in your own organization “when is it time to jump ship?” or “how do I deal with my micro manager?”

    In the last several months, my job has given some of us access to a service called Plato. They have software engineering, QA and product management mentors who they match up with mentees. The mentee is presented with a list of mentors and their attributes or specialties – subjects they focus on or have a lot of experience in. At the beginning – I really didn’t know what I was doing. I had a mentor who was great but after a few meetings I kind of ghosted. I let stress at work get to me and just let it slide. I still regret that -because I think she was awesome but didn’t suck it up and fix it.

    For a second round or maybe it was a longer trial period – our company gained access to mentoring coaches. This was great – my coach helped me look through the available mentors and recommended a few. I was able to select two I thought might be a good fit. One is a software engineering manager, one is a product manager.

    I really connected with one of them. I have been able to actually talk about things. She is kind of like a therapist light with a focus on managing my team and my career. I can tell she actually cares about people and we just talk about things. Sometimes I feel a bit whiny – but I have learned that I really am not the only one who is or has ever felt these feelings.

    All the issues happening now – COVID-19, working from home, not seeing ANYONE, protests, presidential election – just add to the normal work pressures for me and for my team. My mentor and I have talked about everything from staying close to my team and how they are feeling to “when is it time to jump ship?” It is very liberating to get that out in a safe environment with someone whose only goal is to listen and give advice. And perhaps the answer is yes by needing to ask the question.

    Any way – mentoring – 10/10 would recommend.