I don't know what I want to be when I grow up

Tag: mental health

  • Falling back into old ways

    I have been neglecting posting. Allowing myself to fall back into my old ways. I need to make sure that I keep vigilant and make time for my thoughts.

    I have been spending time on personal things, not just work. Those are points in my stress relief column. I did a 1000 piece puzzle over a few days. It was so fun and difficult. I spent / wasted a day (or two) playing Civilization VI. I haven’t won yet, so I imagine I will waste more time on it.

    But I have to remember to pay attention to my thoughts. To my inner feelings, so I don’t get overwhelmed again. And posting helps me do that. It makes me think, check in on my head.

  • Feeling good

    Last week, I finally couldn’t handle the stress anymore (read previous posts) and admitted it. My boss and others were very responsive and it has been such a load off my mind. Adjustments have been made, and more are being considered. Honestly, just the acknowledgement has been so freeing.

    Today, I told my team that I would be doing less HR manager things and would be concentrating on more individual contributing. That I would still be doing Tech Lead things but would be asking for more help on the architecture side. The response I got from them was so welcome.

    They were actually happy for me. Happy that I would be doing more of what I liked. I also made sure I emphasized the point that Individual Contributor is a path forward for their career. That they do not have to be a manager to get promoted.

    And, at least for one, he was very relieved that I was also admitting that I was super stressed. He had been on vacation last week – because he had been so stressed out. All of us, just admitting that we’re all feeling it, the pressure from work, from COVID-19 – maybe in different ways but we’re all affected.

  • Speaking up

    After my … some might call it a freak-out … I felt such relief. Not only did I still have a job but I had spoken up. I had let other people know that I was not OK. My boss’ reaction – an immediate “What is going on? How can we make it better?” was a weight off my mind.

    If it had been Previous Boss, I wouldn’t have considered staying. Honestly, I would have been gone long since. Current Boss – even though I threw him a major curve ball – said we can adjust things and asked me to give him time. We have discussed a couple times about plans to figure out what I want to do. How do I want to do my job. There are more opportunities.

    I know I don’t want to be a manager. I have a been a manager technically for a couple years. But my employees were easy – and there were only two. We knew what each others jobs were and there was no strife.

    On this project, I have four and they are not so easy. Well, two are but two are really not. And that would be more the norm, right? People are messy. I don’t want to deal with messy and I am not good at it. They are good people, and I like them all – but I don’t want to deal with the mess. Or their objectives, or their career goals, or their compliance things.

    Also, I think I don’t want to deal with leading a project technically – I have felt very lacking in ability, in learning, in directing work. I have been winging it til now and it got to be part of the whole which was too much. I know I have gone down the expedient, not the path of correct, on this project. And it makes me feel, lesser for it. My self-esteem should not be tied to a project as a whole … but it has been.

    Now, by saying it was too much, by saying i was not OK. I hope I can diversify, and not be the job. The job is not all, I need to separate myself, and do more. Maybe by doing more, I will find a purpose.